chassit

I drove today. Not for very long or very far, but I drove. It was in this huge empty parking lot, and I missed most of the pot holes (it was like the surface of the moon) and the cars and everything else. I got the hang of parking and the turn signals and stuff. I still have a ways to go but at least I drove.

Today was a mix of awesome and horrible. The driving was the awesome, the horrible reminded me I am not as stable as I would like to be or think I am.

I tried to write this post once before but it disappeared - but I'm giving it another shot. It wasn't very long so not much was lost.

I have stuff to do tomorrow - Tagging (which... I have been failing at) and working on stuff (I've got something where I can make money, but I would not call it a job) and stuff. Dunno.

I'm going to go to sleep now I think.

This is a Monday disguised as a Tuesday.

So, for the past... two or so weeks I've been asking my Mom to take me to the College to see if I could get signed up for classes or something. I woke up early enough today to wake her up as well and we had plenty of time. We headed to the College, and I had... no idea where to go or what to do. I started getting nervous. We found a lady to ask, and she told us about a meeting and basically that this was only a two year school and mentioned transfering and... ahaha, oh god. I felt an anxiety attack coming on.

We got out of there, and we went to the place we got my saxophone to give it back. It's a long story, but anyway we took it back and that's one thing off our minds. The Monroe Evening News is right next to it, and I wandered over to look. I was kind of nervous, but I asked the secretary or something lady behind the desk what schooling you needed to work there. She said a high school diploma, and that it depended on what job you were looking for. I would have to bring in a resume and stuff. I just... I don't know. I felt another anxiety attack, and I left before I could spazz, and when I got home I kind of curled up into a ball and passed out.

It's just... I thought I was better. I took my meds. If I got anxious even going into the college, then how am I going to convince my Grandparents, who will be taking me to the classes, that I can do this?

Today has been just great.

This is possibly the happiest I've been all day. Damn.

I need to wash clothes and work on homework. I need to shower, too. I just... feel all sloth-y and don't want to. I need to borrrow Dina's book on procrastination. So I can put off reading it. :P

I dunno. I'm just tired and lazy and a little irritated right now.

So today was better. We tried to find some way to take care of Cookie, but the ground is really hard right now, and so we went to a couple of vets/animal clinics. They closed at 12. We arrived at 1. So that didn't quite work.

We took Dresden to the park and got some good italian food. Dresden enjoyed the park, and Mom and I saw some deer. It was really pretty.

Tomorrow there's this cat show thing in Ohio, and I'd wanted to go for a little while already. The proceeds help adoption agencies, apparently, and it's only three dollars per person. So I dunno. If I get upset, we'll leave, but it seems like something good to do over a weekend.

So... yeah. Cut because it's depressing kitty stuff.

( Be forewarned. )

I'm really tired and just... lazy. Lethargic. It's that sort of 'blegh' feeling of just not really caring that I'll get sometimes.

I don't know how to get *out* of it. I need to, and I should, but... I dunno. I just don't know. :\

I kind of want to just curl into a ball and twitch right now.

Lessee.

I have been off my anti-depressants for several days. I've been not sleeping well. I've been stressed over school.

Today I ended up getting stressed and upset in first hour. Thankfully, it was only Study Hall, so. I cried on the teacher and ended up raising my voice to one of the kids. I apologized right after, and I still feel bad.

I went home early, and went back to bed. I had a fucked up nightmare that made me twitchy even when I was awake, because it felt really real, and it was scary, and - yeah. I woke up because my Grandma called me up, to say that she had food for me - and so I got it, and it had all this stuff I hated on it, but I removed almost all of it. But now my tummy hurts.

To top it off, the dog threw up several times after eating some treats I gave him.

So yeah. TODAY IS CRAP DAY. HOORAY.

I'm probably more upset over this than I should be. But dammit, it's probably withdrawal and my period and bad sleep.

Mmmghhhhhnnn.

School is kind of stressing me out. I'm getting headaches and getting tired a lot, and when I get home all I really want to do is sleep. I don't know why this is going on, but it's... yeah. Great.

Maybe it's just the winter, but I feel kind of depressed lately.

Anyway. Yeah. :\

If they told you I'm mad, then they lied.
I'm odd, but it isn't compulsive.
I'm the triolet, bursting with pride;
If they told you I'm mad, then they lied.
No, it isn't obsessive. Now hide
All the spoons or I might get convulsive.
If they told you I'm mad then they lied.
I'm odd, but it isn't compulsive.

What Poetry Form Are You?

I've been feeling kind of depressed lately. Sort of like I don't want to do anything. Of course, this is probably made worse by the fact I found out that I have to go to the dentist's tomorrow, and that's always a rather nervous experience for me.

Just sorta... tired. Going to bed shortly.

Still alive. Roughly.

I've been... having bad thoughts. No, not the dirty kind. I'd welcome the dirty kind.

Anyway. I guess I'm just... stressed and tired but I can't sleep yet. I've got more stuff to do. There's a socratic seminar tomorrow, and I asked the teacher about the paper, but it came out wrong and I just felt stupid. I feel lost a lot.

Maybe I should see the shrink again.

Maybe if I wasn't such a perfectionist, this wouldn't be so painful.

High school is really tiring me out. The homework is just swamping me. I'm just... really paranoid and twitchy and I kind of hid in a bathroom at one point, something they said my Dad used to do, and a lot of me is scared of... of just ending up where I don't ever leave the house.

I just keep thinking - this too will pass. This too will pass.

But how long will that take?

I wanna graduate. So much. So badly. I wanna get good grades. But I just feel like I'm being dragged down.

Ennui, hello.

The bright spots -

Finding this. Oh, wow and wow.

There's a zoo feild trip tomorrow.

A guy I sort of know (not well, but we've said hello before) came up to me and said I looked really beautiful today. I blushed and gaped and then gave him a high five.

The not so bright spots -

Somebody please remind me that there's life after high school. I was just really depressed today and I don't know why (I partly do, but oh well) and I was thinking about Bad Stuff.

I just. You know, some days I just... don't know.

I need to take a shower and then I'm going to get a coffee and work my ass off on homework. :\

Kind of depressed today. I don't know why, either. I guess it's just me being moody.

I found a college that I really, really like. It's in Michigan, and therefor it'll probably cost less for me to go to since I was born in Michigan. It's not too far from here, and it's got interesting classes, and... yeah. So.

Tomorrow I'm going to go to the mall to get a haircut and stuff and then, later, Mom and I are going to my school to get everything situated and stuff.

Good thing - First week of school is only four days!

My tummy hurts. :\

Gonna get me something to eat, I think.

I wanna go for a bike ride - but it's getting darkish and it's hot. But I saw a couple of people riding their bikes, so...

I've been so lost lately.

I want out of this town.

I've got a gypsy soul and I just can't stay in one place. I know pretty much everywhere in this town, and I love Monroe deeply and with all my heart but I need to be out. Whenever I want to go to downtown Monroe to just walk around and think and see stories walk in front of me, I hear my grandmother going on about how there's nothing in Downtown Monroe, how it's just dead, how there's nothing there for me and she just won't understand.

I want out of this town - not forever, but I need to just go. But how can I? I have no car, there are no buses within bike-riding distance, I have no cash. Where would I go? I have no idea.

Maybe this is why I've been so drawn to quests. So that I might escape through the characters.

I'm trapped here, and I know it, and I can feel myself suffocating.

Sometimes, I really think my Grandmother is attempting to stunt my mental growth. She's constantly thinking I can't do things, and when I want to do things, she tries to break down what I want to do into the most systematic 'this is why it sucks' speech.

So yes, this morning kinda sucked.

I'm just... Yeah. I'm sick of her constantly trying to beat down any idea I have. It's painful, and she doesn't understand it.

The first day of final exams. I got two wrong on my Mystery Novel one. Two wrong. I studied, why did I get two wrong?! This is my fault, not the teacher's...

And then after that these girls started talking, and it was discovered that there were *two* girls in my class that had spawned, not just the one.

And then it changed to something else that made me feel nausous and made me wonder what was wrong with them and I can't talk about it without feeling ill.

After Scrubs is over I'm going to go to sleep and hope that my brain will do me a FAVOR and get rid of the memories.

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December 2011

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